Hello? Two Kings
by tbossjenn
Summary: Faramir seeks answers regarding a certain movie


"Hello? Two Kings."

by tbossjenn

Disclaimer: Making no money off this of course. 

Warning: some minor spoilers for ROTK

"Answer me now, I shall wait no longer!" Faramir demanded, bursting through the door. "There is more to be said on this matter, and you have not revealed all that you know. Tell me how it comes to pass that a trilogy I once found to be so fair has become fell and empty to my heart."

"That's unfair," answered the hobbit-like man sitting at the desk, his fingers poised over a laptop. He had dark shaggy hair and a beard and was clad in a t-shirt and shorts. He wore glasses and his feet were unshod, for he had given up the habit of wearing shoes long ago. Yet all that glitters is not gold, for this man was currently a well-known motion picture director of the Age. He turned a curious gaze upon the man of Gondor, who was seething with a strange and unusual (for him) rage. "What didn't you like about it?" 

Faramir stared at him in wonder, then said with carefully chosen words, "I think you do very unwisely in this. The cinema I have seen today does not match the facts I know or the events that I myself have experienced. Why have you made such changes? I have been portrayed in this play as a villain! One so foul that I could bearly look upon myself without some measure of disgust."

"Oh! Of course, you don't like the Faramir character in the Two Towers movie! I think understand your problem now."

"It is well known throughout the realm of King Elessar that I am not such a rogue highwayman! Yet you have written me thus! Please explain this to me so that I can reconcile myself with ... myself."

The director gestured for the Steward to sit. "Listen, you've got to understand something. 'The Lord of the Rings' is an extremely difficult book to put into film. Have you ever read it? The first half of 'Fellowship' is all about hobbits and somebody called Tom Bombadil whose boots are yellow. I knew right away we couldn't have a fellow in yellow boots running around - yellow looks terrible onscreen."

"Did not this Tom Bombadil raise any complaints against you?" Faramir asked, reaching into his pouch for some salted meat that he had brought with him from Emyn Arnen.

"It was settled out of court," the director said, opening a drawer. "How 'bout Twizzlers?" He chucked it at Faramir, who gazed at it with suspicion. "Don't worry, it's not orc food." As Faramir nibbled tentatively at the Twizzler, he continued, "Now we've all done our best to remain as faithful to the book as cinematically possible. But we just can't pack in every single detail - I wish we could. There has to be some changes, some sacrifices." 

"I fear I may have pressed you too hard," Faramir said, relishing the juiciness of the delightful fat-free food. "Forgive me! Yet still I question the changes you have made regarding myself. I did not take Frodo and Sam prisoner, they were my guests at Henneth Annun. I gave them food and shelter. And though in fairness I must admit that I did question Frodo about Isildur's Bane, I did not interrogate him with such harshness."

"Faramir, I'm going to be honest with you because I consider you to be a dear friend and a tremendous asset to this project. Not quite as important as Christopher Lee, of course. He was the only one of us who'd actually read the books all the way through. Anyway, here it is. You're too nice."

"Too nice?"

"Yes. You caught them trespassing, their lives should have been forfeit. There was a chance for real danger, maybe even some man to hobbit swordplay with Sam smacking you on the head with the frying pan. That would have been cool and manly! Actually, now I wish I'd thought of it for the movie. But instead you're best friends with the hobbits and you picnic together and Gollum catches a fish. What's that all about?"

Faramir abruptly stood, the kindness of the Twizzlers forgotten. "I need not justify my actions during those dark days to you! In truth I was commanded by our law to slay the hobbits, for they were in that land without leave of the Lord of Gondor. But I do not kill with such haste."

"There's no need to get angry!"

"So what if I'm angry? It's your fault!"

"All I'm saying is too many nice guys in one movie doesn't make great cinema. We already have a noble-hearted Aragorn, why have a noble-hearted Faramir? I wanted you to be the shifty guy nobody likes until he redeems himself."

"But I did not like myself even after the redemption," Faramir replied, sitting back down.

"You'll like yourself in 'Return of the King'."

Faramir perked up. "I will?"

"I think so. I've rewritten the thing so many times I'm not sure anymore."

"At least I will still have my lady. I will have Eowyn."

"She goes with Aragorn."

"You are trifling with me now!" Faramir cried. 

"The thing is, we wrote ourselves into a corner with that one. Eowyn and Aragorn got a little too close in 'Two Towers' for it to make sense that she switches over to you so fast in the last part, and we already sent Arwen packing. So we decided it would be easier just to have them end up together. Besides, some people on the Internet think that Miranda is hotter than Liv anyway. But she's still your wife in real life, right?" 

Faramir sat down heavily with a weary sigh, his face a pale version of itself. "So it is over for Faramir, then? Last in the mind of the father, and last in the mind of the director."

"Hey, don't get depressed now! It's just a movie, just a fictionalized account of history like 'Pearl Harbor' or 'Titanic'."

"Yet those two films had more historical accuracy than your 'Two Towers'. Elves at Helm's Deep? No Huorns? Tolkien's 'Lord of the Rings' was a much more accurate record of events." 

"You don't get short-changed in 'Return of the King', Faramir, I promise you. You will become Steward of Gondor to the Kings Merry and Pippin."

"To who?!"

"Well, Merry and Pippin didn't do anything in the last movie, and none of us were really happy about that - especially Dom and Billy. They came to us and said, 'Give us bigger parts in Return of the King' and we said 'Fine' so we came up with this really great concept. What if Elrond and Elros had a third brother who was a half-hobbit named Peter and the Eldar gave him a choice to be either a man or a hobbit and he chose hobbit because he liked smoking pipeweed and hated boats. It's revealed in the next movie that Merry and Pippin are direct heirs of this third brother, and since Aragorn really doesn't want to be king anyway they inherit the throne of Gondor in his place. They'll lead as Two Kings. Oh and Frodo destroys the ring but who cares about that. Our main focus was to get Merry and Pippin in virtually every shot whether they belonged there or not. And we threw in a few more dwarf tossing jokes and a lot of close-ups of my children." 

"I don't get burned up in the fire?" Faramir asked warily. 

"No you don't."

"And I still get to be Steward of Gondor?" 

"Yes." 

"Well, I am only prince of Ithilien, and King Elessar himself has given you his permission to do what you will with the history of the War of the Ring, so I suppose it is not my place to judge," Faramir assented, rising from his chair. "I was merely ... concerned ... with your depiction of my character and of the facts. 'Two Towers' was a good movie by film standards. The battle of Helm's Deep kicked ass."

"Thank you, I appreciate that," the director said, walking him to the door.

Faramir paused and said, "I am puzzled, though. The king never told me of how he fell off a cliff and was revived by the kiss of a horse." 

"I'm surprised he never mentioned it. Have a safe journey."

"If you are still in need of any consulting for the movie ..."

"I'll let you know, thanks." The director shut the door, then walked over the desk and picked up his pipe. "Old Toby's - the finest weed in the Southfarthing," he muttered, sending from his mouth long wisps and little rings of thin blue smoke. Picking up the phone, he quickly dialed and a moment later said, "It's me. Listen, is it too late to reshoot a scene? I was just thinking it would be really cool to see Faramir go up in flames. Yeah! Nobody likes him anyway ..."

the end

Note: Okay, just want to say that I did not hate "The Two Towers", but I was still kind of disappointed in it. I liked Fellowship a lot better. Nor do I hate "the director", I suppose he's doing his best with difficult material. I'm just poking fun at him a little. But he left out the Huorns!! Why why why?! And poor Faramir ... Actually I liked movie Faramir better the second time around because I do like those shifty characters who eventually redeem themselves in some way. So even now that I've apologized for the above story, I'm sure I'll still get some flames referring to the "obvious" fact that "the director's" an indisputable genius and that Two Towers rocked and that I'm a complete moron for not knowing this. *sigh* There is such a thing as differences in opinion, ya know ... and this is just a fanfic. 


End file.
